Woody

NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to
help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more
riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain
and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny,
guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these
truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by
the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV,
or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally
acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This
country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone --
not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a
different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably
always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If
you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not
expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly
help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing
generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve
nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional
couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to
work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That
would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not
interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other
people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone,
don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the
electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of
others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of
other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and
lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big
screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure
want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times,
but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education
and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
(AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an
American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by
the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance
of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill
of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care
where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to
wherever you came from! (Lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's
history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one
true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any
religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution.
The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if
you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local
supermarket where I selected:
  A half-gallon of 2% milk,
  A carton of eggs,
  A quart of orange juice,
  A head of romaine lettuce,
  A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
  A 1 lb. package of bacon.

    As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as
I placed the items in front of the cashier.

    While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I
was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
my marital status.

    Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on

earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

You are an extreme redneck when:

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys,
watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than
your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife
drunk.

Bonus Comment:
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They
went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The
doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do
this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that
one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican
and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could
speak Spanish.

What will I be when I grow up?

WHEN HELMETS MAKE NO SENSE...

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
The dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
Enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought As he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
Blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for
This," and Pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
His watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.